NEW YORK, NY — In what can only be described as the most perfectly aligned act of New York real estate since two Starbucks opened across the street from each other, local entrepreneur Raj Patel has opened Poop directly beside Gwyneth Paltrow’s brand-new Coop (formerly known as Goop Kitchen) in Midtown West.
The image captured moments after opening says it all: Patel, beaming in a red “NY” cap and lavender shirt, proudly pointing at his bright red “POOP” awning complete with a smiling poop emoji, while the sleek black “COOP” sign next door promises “Organic Fine Dining & Wellness.”
When asked why he chose both the name and the six-foot proximity, Patel didn’t hesitate.
“It’s very supportive,” he said with a massive grin. “In business, similar names help each other. Goop… Coop… Poop. It’s like a family. She does the fancy organic stuff that costs more than rent. I do the food that actually tastes like food. Together we are unstoppable.”
Patel’s Poop specializes in “Modern Indian Street Food” — poori, okra, paneer, and a chalkboard special proudly advertising “Butter Batter Chicken.” Steam dramatically pours out the door as if the restaurant itself is exhaling in relief.
“Goop customers come out feeling very pure and very hungry,” Patel continued. “They see my sign, they smell the spices, and suddenly they remember: life is short, calories are delicious. I am not competition. I am the reward after enlightenment.”
A passing wellness influencer who asked to be identified only as “Moonbeam” nodded enthusiastically: “This is next-level manifestation. Gwyneth teaches us what to put in our bodies with intention. Raj is teaching us that sometimes intention tastes better with extra naan. The universe clearly put these two awnings side by side for a reason.”
Paltrow has not yet commented on the neighboring Poop, though sources say she was seen doing a long, slow blink while staring at the glowing “POOP” neon sign and the giant smiling emoji.
Undeterred, Patel has already started cross-promotion: Show your Goop receipt and get 15% off at Poop with the code “BALANCEISOVERRATED.”
When pressed on whether this was gentle trolling or genuine neighborly love, Patel laughed and pointed again at his sign.
“Trolling? No, bro. This is love. The kind that comes with fries and zero lectures about seed oils.”
Goop Kitchen officially opens for delivery this Monday. Poop opened yesterday — and according to early foot traffic, business is already cooking.
This is pure satire. Not real news. Chill about it.
