WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented standoff between government employees and billionaire Elon Musk, federal workers have threatened a mass exodus from X (formerly Twitter) during work hours if Musk doesn’t stop asking them if they’re actually working.
The conflict began last week when Musk, apparently bored with running multiple companies simultaneously, began personally messaging random government accounts with variations of “Shouldn’t you be working right now?” and “Tax dollars hard at work, I see.”
“This is a clear violation of our constitutional right to scroll through social media while pretending to draft important policy documents,” said Brent Slackerson, spokesperson for the newly formed Coalition of Technically Working Government Employees (CTWGE). “Mr. Musk’s persistent questioning has caused severe emotional distress among our members, many of whom have had to take stress leave to recover from being asked about their productivity.”
At a press conference held during what was supposed to be a budget meeting, Slackerson dramatically waved a pocket Constitution while explaining that the right to “post memes on company time” was clearly implied by the Founding Fathers.
“If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, he’d be the first to agree that sharing cat videos and political hot takes while on the federal payroll is protected speech,” Slackerson declared, as several colleagues behind him nodded vigorously while simultaneously scrolling through their phones.
The Department of Doing Stuff Eventually (DDSE), which reportedly has a backlog dating back to the Bush administration (unclear which one), has been particularly vocal about the issue.
“Some of our best work happens while procrastinating on X,” explained Martha Dillydally, DDSE’s Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Deputy. “I once resolved a major departmental crisis after six hours of scrolling through cooking videos. Inspiration strikes when you least expect it—usually around 4:55 PM on a Friday.”
Musk, meanwhile, has doubled down on his campaign, creating an automated bot that sends “Shouldn’t you be working?” messages to government accounts that post during business hours. The bot, dubbed “TaxpayerWatchdog,” also calculates the approximate salary being earned during each social media session and displays it as a running counter.
“I’m simply providing a public service,” Musk wrote on X. “Also, does anyone know why it takes 16 months to get a building permit? Perhaps if government workers spent less time drafting strongly-worded boycott threats and more time processing paperwork…”
The standoff has attracted widespread attention from both sides of the political aisle. Senator Josh Hawley has demanded an immediate congressional investigation into “government time theft,” while Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted, “The real issue is billionaires thinking they can police workers’ social media habits. #LeaveOurScrollingAlone.”
White House officials have attempted to downplay the situation, with Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre telling reporters, “The President believes in both government efficiency and free speech. He also believes that Mr. Musk should probably focus on making sure his cars don’t drive themselves into stationary objects.”
Meanwhile, the Office of Personnel Management has issued emergency guidance reminding federal employees that they are, in fact, expected to complete actual work during their 9-to-5 shifts. The memo was reportedly met with widespread confusion.
“Wait, we’re supposed to be working… during work hours?” said one anonymous State Department employee. “Next you’ll tell me those mandatory trainings aren’t just time to catch up on Netflix.”
Leave a Reply