In a development that has shocked religious scholars but delighted Mexico’s criminal underworld,
Jesus’s second coming has apparently occurred—though not quite in the form anyone expected.
The federation of Mexican cartels is celebrating the return of their beloved Jesus Martinez, the region’s most famous drag performer,
who was recently deported from the United States.
“We have always embraced the drag scene with open arms and several concealed weapons,”
explained a spokesperson for the Union of Mexican Cartels and Favorite Assassins (UMCFA).
“Many of our most ruthless hitmen enjoy slipping into something more comfortable after a hard day of territorial disputes.
And now we’ve got our lovely Jesus back to perform! We thought we lost him forever to America, but thanks to ICE, we’re experiencing his glorious second coming.
First when he emerged from his mother in Guadalajara, and now when he’s emerged from a detention center in Texas.”
The spokesperson, wearing a bulletproof sequined vest, added: “We will ensure he gets plenty of bread… and protection money.
It’s the least we can do for our savior of Saturday night entertainment.”
Tickets to Jesus’s comeback show “Resurrection Realness” sold out within minutes, triggering a minor war between rival organizations.
“That’s just how we show love in this business,” explained one cartel lieutenant while adjusting his feather boa.
“When I saw Don Eduardo had secured front-row seats, I had no choice but to have him eliminated.
It’s what Jesus would have wanted—our Jesus, anyway. He appreciates passion and commitment to the arts.”
At least seventeen people have been killed in ticket-related violence. Which locals describe as “actually pretty tame for a major cultural event.”
Jesus himself appears to be taking his newfound messianic status in stride.
“In America, I was just another queen,” he told reporters from an undisclosed location decorated with both religious iconography and disco balls.
“Here, I part crowds like the Red Sea. Though that might have something to do with all the heavily armed men surrounding me.”
The Catholic Church has yet to comment on the confusion, though several priests have reportedly been spotted in the VIP section.