In an unexpected pivot from a busy maneuver move from teasing other nations, President Donald Trump announced the launch of his newest business venture: a line of hair and facial products promising to deliver his signature golden hue.
“Nobody knows yellow like me, folks. Nobody!” Trump declared during what was supposed to be a routine court appearance. “This shade? This beautiful shade? It’s the most presidential yellow in history, maybe ever.”
The flagship product, “YELLOW MENACE TINT™’ Executive Gold Edition,” has detailed instructions in all caps and multiple exclamation points. The package notably warns users that results may vary and that any resemblance to the color of actual gold is purely coincidental.
“People tell me, they say, ‘Sir, your face has the most beautiful sunset glow.’ And now, for just 49 payments of $17.76, you too can achieve this very legal, cool look,” Trump announced while gesturing to his distinctive complexion.
“The USA once upon a time was all yellow, as far as the eye could see, and I planned to make it so again, which is part of making America great again. “Make America Yellow Again”. With an executive order and some dye,” he said with a smile.
Marketing materials claim the products are “Made in America by America for Americans who want to look like a malfunctioning spray tan machine has hugged them.”
Critics have noted that early product testers emerged looking less “presidential gold” and more “radioactive cheese dust.” Still, Trump’s team maintains these beta testing issues will be resolved when the lawsuits are settled.
When asked about potential FDA approval, Trump responded, “The FDA? Never heard of her. But I’m sure she’s a lovely person.”
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